Here’s an emotional bit of me I haven’t shared to anyone in quite awhile.Today’s post will just be random pent up feelings I have been holding in for a long time. I just turned 24th few days back.
A 24 year old’s rants about expectations, idealism & self-pressure. Yesterday, I was speaking to a lady I’d just seen for the first time, who’s a lovely lady that I enjoyed chatting with for about an hour. She was complimenting my fair and smooth skin but as soon as she came closer to me, she commented that I look like I don’t sleep enough. I guess she could tell just from looking at me.
I remained silent and smiled. I was pitying myself because I’m hit by the harsh reality of this sad truth. I worry about a lot of things. My mom always asks me, “why do you have to worry things which you yourself are out of control?” I really don’t know. I let my emotions get in the way too much. I don’t sleep well at all. I have got a never ending to list and work piled up to my neck each and every week. I don’t even have time for a short holidays but I forcefully put everything on hold at my own risk, because I just needed a breather.
Some peace, space, and sanity. There are good days, and there are near meltdown days. I’m happy most of the time, but I don’t have time to just sit back and BE happy. There’s always some kind of problem to be fixed in my life. There’s always a thousand and one things on my mind.
Maybe my problem is that I want too much. I think I can handle everything, but the matter of fact is, I cannot do everything myself sometimes, and I’m not a super-girl.
Some days, it just gets too much. I realized that in the midst of trying to be somebody, I ended up not wanting to be anybody. Recently, I realized that I just wanted to not have any responsibilities to my name. The feeling of not wanting to be Ching Yee, or a business partner, or look for me when problems arise.
I just wanted to be CCY, nameless happy carefree girl walking down the street, and nobody knows her real name, but that’s alright. Because she’s happy just living her life in her own little bubble. I feel like I’ve been chasing ideals since forever, and well, I’m just sick of it. Tired of chasing perfection, to be putting myself under so much stress that I can barely function. Beating myself up over not performing as well as I wanted to or expected myself to. All these expectations, they’re killing me. They’re killing my happiness, vibes, creativity and soul.
They’re suffocating me. I’ve just had enough of these RIDICULOUS standards I’ve set for myself and my life, standards I wholeheartedly believed I needed to achieve in order to be happy.
Talking about perfections, if you are wondering or have always wondered about the relationship between the Second Officer Laxier & me. We got close to each other when I was 15. I remember I was still in the obese stage. Words can’t describe how he has motivated me to have lost half the size of me now.
We have been close together for almost 6 years. People thought we were couple. I remember on the last few nights of 2017, we talked about things like we usually do, throwing topics out there and discussing just about everything and nothing. Then we came across a serious topic of whether it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never over at all. We both admitted that we loved each other.
But sometimes, it doesn’t always stay that way. Life gets the better of love. Patience turns into annoyance, effort morphs into complacency, kind words evolve into harsh ones and love slips through your fingers without you even realizing it. Thank you for always reminding me what you like about me and just reassuring me that I am doing life right. Not feeling like I have to change who I am around you is the best feeling you could possibly give me.
I can’t say I don’t envy people who have never felt great loss of someone important in their lives. Sometimes I wonder if it is a blessing or a curse to be the type of person who feels every single thing intensely. Maybe living in oblivion is sad in its own quiet way, but it’s not the kind of sad that leaves you picking the pieces of your heart off the floor.
Not eating, not moving, barely breathing, replaying the same sad song for hours on end, replaying everything you could and should have done better, questioning the point of your very existence. It’s when you choose to bleed just to know you’re alive.
I thought that when the days of uncontrollable sobbing and being motionless in bed for extended periods of time stopped, so would the pain. Today, it has been 4 months since I decided to leave my so called ex of 6 years.
While I don’t cry over it as often as I used to, and no longer see his face or hear his name in everything I do and everywhere I go and I realize that my life is my own.. it still gets me real down every now and then. Just when I thought I’ve gotten over it, there will come a sleepless night that convinces me otherwise. And then it hit me. Lax has taught me a lot of what I know today as a person, as a girl with confidence.
I remember, Lax & I once talked, we must intro our life partner to each other if we really found one.
I was scared of several things. Firstly, the higher you go, the harder you’ll fall. All that vulnerability I took so long to harden my shell just to cover up for, is now being exposed once again. Of course I’m scarred, and naturally think of the worst case scenario. I can tell this would ruin me all anew if it doesn’t work out. And this time, I’m not so sure I will be okay again. I barely made it out with my sanity and dignity intact for the last one.
While I’ve learnt to discover happiness in doing certain things alone, I think generally I am a very social person and it saddens me not having someone special to talk to me about all the thoughts that swim in my head before I sleep at night.
I may not have believed it was possible to do so before, but I feel like I am slowly but surely letting go of my pain and regret. I’ll never forget the crazy beautiful devastating memories and all the lessons you’ve taught me Laxier, but my heart has had enough of crying over what we were.
We are no longer. We only exist as separate entities now. You in your own world, and me, in my own.
To think, my world used to be you. And now, I have a whole new world without you. Looks like the world is bigger than we thought it was, huh?
I really hope you’re doing well, and being happy, wherever you are. That’s all I ever wanted for the both of us – to be happy. Even if that means living without each other’s presence. We have memories to last a lifetime. Thank you for being a part of my life, and in some ways you will definitely always be. But I think I’m ready to start a new chapter now.
And this one will begin not with tears but instead, with a smile and a hopeful heart, and you will not be the main character no more. I may not know what the ending is, but ultimately I am the author of my own life story, and I can rewrite the ending if I don’t like it enough – that is the most empowering thing I’ve ever felt.
Never could I thank you enough for changing me for the better. Making me look at life a whole lot differently and a lot more happily. Opening up your mind and telling me all your secrets thoughts. Not being afraid to let me in, and embrace things together.
And maybe it’s time to give myself a break. I will continue to explore life, to improve myself and not to push myself to meet the high standards I have set for myself. To achieve my goals. Just let everything flows naturally, until one day, I run into someone who sees all my flaws and accept me for who I am again.
I’m leaving my memories in my heart, and regrets to the wind.