Moving into the third year of my ‘temporary life’ – Hill Life.
I have good reasons for why that happened, of course. It took me a long time to come to this decision, to share something so private and deep about myself that I have only shared with so few people, I can count them with one hand.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me, that makes me feel so compelled to share this story. One that I’ve been pondering and contemplating over whether or not this should be public information, for weeks, months and years. Every now and then, I feel like, “maybe I should speak about this.”
And then a voice inside hushes me, “They won’t understand. You will be judged. There’s no point.” And then that willingness to share, goes away.
But today that openness is driven not by enthusiasm or optimism for approval, but rather, a small hope that someone out there who feels the same way would find some comfort in these words. I know I’ve searched long and hard for someone else who feels this way, but I have not met someone in real life who has been able to reveal this side of themselves to me yet. But of course, it’s not everyday that people tell you their darkest secrets.
Remembering how everything has taken place before I moved to hill. There was just a normal chat among my buddies. Yes, I got rejected by the public institutions, not because of my results but just not the right time to apply yet. I needed to wait for another few months for their next intake. My Diploma Convocation hadn’t taken place yet.
I was thinking not to waste my few months time just to wait for their next intake. Then I decided to take a step forward, leaving my comfort zone. Never have I thought this simple step I have taken could have changed my life forever.
I got my buddies to accompany me for my first interview. Walk-In-Interview, sounded really scary. I was quite well prepared. But, who would have thought the post I was aiming for was not taking newbies. I was really upset.
Sometimes, maybe our plans don’t work out because God has better ones. I only had 15 minutes to prepare myself for a ‘non-expected position’ I was trying to in. I was really scared & nervous. It still feels like so yesterday – I will never forget how I felt at that moment.
I do not really remember how I was trying to introduce myself to the interviewer or how I tried to carry myself. As long as I can remember, the interview session wasn’t short. It was more than 30 minutes. It went quite well, my overall interview was more of a conversation going on instead of a very sterile Q&A session. I think I had over-asked a lot of questions. *laughs* Then, I moved into the typing skill test and soon being introduced to a senior decision maker. The feeling of anxiousness disappeared. I think I was over-worried, that’s why I did not feel how I was supposed to feel.
I was considered lucky. My interviewers were nice, they were friendly. *more laughs*
“The overall process, it felt so magical. I was planning to get into A but I got into B. From B, I was being sent to C.”
God’s plan is always the best. Sometimes, the process is painful & slow. There were so many times that I have felt like giving up, leaving this life behind and taking another leap of faith, moving into the next choice of life. The worst part is when you’re exhausted but you can’t show it because there’s no time and place for that.
Life, and the show must go on.
But don’t forget that we are human too. We are allowed to cry over something. We are allowed to feel indignant and robbed of happiness. Just don’t let it define you. Let the surprise at yourself being strong enough to overcome ANYTHING fuel you.
Things that we keep suppressed bites us in the back of our subconscious mind much more than we realize. Perhaps they will never fully go away, so we must learn to make peace with our demons.
It is not possible for someone who is not in the right state of mind to make rational decisions. This is something everyone needs to know.
So be kind to people, you never know who is smiling on the outside, but dying on the inside. We’re all fighting our own battles, some harder than others, but each and every one of us is deserving of kindness.
Don’t judge people for things you don’t understand. They might be fighting a battle you wouldn’t want to encounter in your worst nightmares.
People are not necessarily medicine, sometimes they are also poison. So choose who you let in to view your demons, carefully. Sometimes you might end up more disappointed at them not understanding at allFor whatever reason you may be filled with sadness – try to let them go. Release them.
Help yourself, heal yourself by acknowledging that a lot of bad things might have happened, but you are still in control of your own life, decisions, actions and emotions. Sometimes reality fall shorts of expectations. Learn to live with it. You can’t make the bad things disappear from memory, but you can create so many new happy memories that make the bad ones seem insignificant. Do not blame yourself for bad luck and other peoples mistakes. Breathe and start a new day with new beginnings.Because you are worthy of the hope and improvement.
Every single time you thought you just “can’t do this anymore” – look at you, you’re still here. I’m proud of you. And I UNDERSTAND pain. I understand how it manipulates you and your mind and sucks the joy out of you even when you so BADLY want to feel joy.
If you’re asking yourself: “why me?”
Oh honey, don’t torture yourself with that question anymore. You’ll be vexed to death if you don’t simply understand that life just isn’t fair. We all play the hand we’re dealt. We just have to make the god damn most out of what we have. That’s the very best you can do.
Some things just don’t come as good or easy for certain people. Some just have to work a little harder to retain their sanity. Not everyone suffers equally. Some have it much worse than us.
Don’t stop fighting the good fight. You are a damn warrior just for getting up & doing today. I know how sometimes just doing normal things like going to work seems bloody impossible. Just breathing seems a chore. It doesn’t last forever.
I’ll keep fighting to keep these demons at bay, too. I promise I’ll keep trying. Things may not make sense now, but one day, they will. Things may be heavy, but you are a strong human being, as am I.
I have just started doing my ICSA online – yes, self-study. It may sound tiring to me and you, where I have to balance my work life, study life & my own personal life all at once. I love what I am doing and this is the reason why I am not leaving and at the same time, I am trying to improve myself, from the post God has arranged me into.
You know how, when you dip your feet in cold water and let it rest there for a while only to realize that the once very cold water feels just right on your skin?
Or how, when you have absolutely given up on the hope of something happening is exactly when it happens?
Or how when you swim underwater for too long you find yourself getting longing to cut through the surface in pursuit of air?
These passing years I learned that people are like feet in cold water. They need time. And given that time, everything falls in place and seems to be fine.
I learned that if something ought to happen, it will happen. You can pray all you want and try all the same but it won’t ever happen if it isn’t supposed to. But sometimes things do go your way just as you give up.
On the contrary something you thought would never happen does happen and there really is nothing you can do about it.
I learned that life can never be as you expect it to be or think of it to be like. It always has surprises in store just round the corner. That it always tests you to make sure you’re fit to walk down further. And becomes your teacher when you aren’t.
I hope life doesn’t continue to wear us out. I hope we grow stronger day by day. I hope that we shine. We’re all a little broken, that’s how the light gets in.
“Sometimes, a little magic in life can take us a long way. Through the darkness, the light is within yourself. Do not let it fade out.”