All I did for the past year was learn how to let go, how to move on, how to start over, how to love myself, work on myself, be independent and be strong. Mending everything my heart once destroyed. Putting back together everything my feelings once shattered.
All my experiences have not been smooth or easy. Every year has been more of a battlefield than a playground. This whole process of self-improvement and personal development and trying to fix what others broke is draining. Granted, it’s worth it but it takes everything you have got to fight back, to believe, to keep trying, to keep smiling or keep breathing.
Of course I do not know how to feel anymore, of course I am scared of my own feelings because of the time and effort it took to embrace standing alone, because of the battles I have fought to live a kind of life that makes me happy, because of the energy I have used up to be somewhat resilient. It is true that sometimes when you focus on one thing, you lose something else in return and in this case, I think I lost appetite to feel deeply or get attached to my emotions. I think I forgot how to trust my heart. How to be vulnerable. To let myself go. To really surrender to such powerful emotions. I am always trying to hold back. Always having one foot out the door. Always ready to walk away.
But here’s what I know for sure, that maybe I do not how to feel right now, but when the time is right and my walls come crashing down one by one, I will begin to trust my heart blindly again. All the feelings will come rushing back home. All those pent-up emotions will safely resurface. All those fears will subside and following my heart will not be another recipe of disaster. And even though right now I may not know how to feel, I can still feel that it’s all coming back to me soon. I think I have done my fair share of learning and healing. It’s all coming together because, at the end of the day, you cannot lose something that was once ingrained in you.
You cannot run away from who you really are.
I need to find myself back. Perhaps to you , I am the wanderlust girl, always running from one place to another, partly because she loves seeing the world, but mostly because no one has ever given her a reason to stay.